Longing for the old, but ringing in the new

I'm not entirely sure what's going on in my head today. Maybe I'm just missing my girls as they are on vacation with their father and completely out of pocket. Being this out of touch is something I'm not used to, especially with my youngest. She's always in touch... mostly because she's forgotten something she needs me to do or bring to her when she's not with me, or asking if she can make plans for when she is here, but it makes me feel like she just misses me somehow :) But today, I'm feeling a bit torn in my thoughts.

I'm feeling a bit nostalgic for the old days. The days when they were little and wanted to be doing more family stuff. The days where I watched Jennifer do "gymnastics" on the log at her dad's families cottage where she jumped 6 inches off the log and did the "arms in air" pose of the Olympians when they were done with their routine while she shouted "ta da". Or when she and I would sing her favorite Disney movie songs... I would sing the beginning of each sentence and leave out the last word and she'd fill it in. We did that for years. I'm remembering the days where my Lauren had "her dance" that was the cutest thing ever (don't know how she got so low to the ground). When she cheered at 7 years old after much "discussion" to be able to be on the team. Her Dad didn't really want her to do it as the games were on Sunday mornings and she'd miss church. I assured him that if she was that close to God, she'd still be if she missed some Sundays during football season (and God likely would love that she was using the talents he gave her). After that first "win" in a big competition, she threw her arms around me and thanked me for fighting for her to be able to cheer. I saw that "hooked" look at that very moment. Who knew then I'd still be at every game and competition 7 years later.

You see, I just can't imagine having missed any of those little moments. For some reason today, they are just coming back to me in floods and with tears in my eyes even as I type this. You can never re-create moments like that. You can just cherish them enough that they live on in your memory forever (and I don't doubt that they will). Just thinking about some of those things can bring me right back to the thoughts and feelings I had when they were going on the first time. I can hear the sweet little voices like it was yesterday. There are times I wish it was. However, missing those times does not mean for a minute that I don't like the current state.

Yeah, they don't tend to do as much "family" stuff as friends are their life now. And I'm the kind of Mom that really is ok with that. As the kids age, it really does make you realize that it's not the quantity of time you get to spend with them, it really is the quality. We may not do the same kinds of things we did before, but just being around them and observing the lovely ladies they are turning out to be, is amazing in it's own right. I've spent the last year watching Jen go through the good and bad parts of college searching, learning to drive, having great fun with her friends and I realize that this is the last year I'll see all of that. After this year (her senior year), she'll go through most things while away at college. Sure, cell phones and Facebook make it much easier to stay connected, but the simple observations will start to be lost to me. The notion of watching her interact with her friends and determining her personality based on that, will not be an every day task as it is now. Lauren is going into high school, which begins a new phase of sorts for her as well. There is still much time to have her determine the woman she'll be by the time she goes away to college, and much room to grow in other areas. I know that I'll love the new phases of their lives as much as I've loved the past phases. It'll just get harder to see the steps involved along the way in their journey.

In remembering all the little things today, and dreaming of their futures, one thing remains... it has been SO great to be their mother. I wouldn't trade one single part of it for anything in the world. They have made me happy, sad, frustrated at times, exhausted, frightened and every other emotion you could think of. But always, they've made me proud. Here's looking forward to what's in store for their futures. Now... if only I could figure out why all of this is in my head today. Oh well, going down memory lane about my girls is never a bad thing. I'll just enjoy the ride...

Spam mail go away

Ok, I get why spam mail exists, even though I don't like it. I mean, there are those people that open all of it and ultimately buy stuff from it. I do NOT happen to be one of them. I try my best to keep up with marking spam mail as junk so that I don't have to see it. But lately, I just can't seem to keep up with it all. More importantly is how my spam mail has changed in the last few weeks. I mean, really, is someone playing games with me??? I've about had my fill of eHarmony, match.com, etc coming into my in-box. Someone obviously doesn't know me very well or they'd know that I'd NEVER go on one of those sites as I'm COMPLETELY happy with my current relationship status. And WHY would you ever go on one of those sites if you were in a happy and committed relationship??? Unless of course you have other issues and are just trying to make people think you are happy but are secretly prowling around... in which case that is a very different issue all together... but I digress.

And, just in case I'm not happy and want to be on these dating sites... which I don't... my spam mail can make me feel badly that I'm now reaching my more middle-aged years (as if I didn't know that already). I'm getting AARP mail much more than I'd like to think I deserve (I say as I'm having a day that is more pain free than some of mine recently have been). I'm sensing some sort of pattern in my in box lately which I'm not too thrilled about... I'm OLD (AARP) and therefore should be unhappy with my current relationship and looking for another one (dating sites).

Trust me... I didn't sign up for any of these emails. I'm feeling pretty young (at least today I am) and I'm very happily committed to Tim EVERY DAY. So... SPAM MAIL... LEAVE ME ALONE ALREADY :( Geez...