A parents advice… for good or bad…

Over the years of raising children and watching them grow, we as parents give a lot of advice. Some they take, some not so much. But always I wonder if the advice I’m giving as a parent is helpful or harmful in this day and age. As I’ve spent months debating this in my head, I believe that I’ve come to a couple conclusions. First, that of course, not everything works the same for every person or situation. And second, having been through many of the same situations I find my girls in at their current ages, and having lived a more varied life than they have yet to live, I still think some of these nuggets are sound for the younger crowd.

For anyone that has paid any attention to my blog or FB page, they’ve seen over and over a theme of respectful behavior. It’s something pretty important to me. I hate it when people that hold public office are not treated with respect, even if you don’t respect the person personally. I hate that people so easily lump people into categories based on what a few do that they don’t like. I hate that people call each other names, etc. All of that bothers me. And the strangest part about that is that I myself am not the kind of person that blanketly believes everyone deserves to be “respected”. I do, however, believe that you should treat all people with respect. I believe there is a difference in those two things, and I believe respect is earned, not guaranteed.
I remember being told at work early on in my career that I should respect the levels of management more . This happened because I didn’t stop an entire presentation in it’s logical order to answer a question that would have been answered more towards the end of my speech. A high level manager asked the question and apparently I should have just stopped where I was and answered it regardless of how far off track it took us. What I did was politely tell him that his question would be answered towards the end and would probably make more sense if we left it for later in the presentation. I guess that was the wrong approach, but the one that seemed the most logical to me based on the situation. Later when I was contemplating my way of handling it, I realized it was probably because of how I remember hearing from my dad “he puts his pants on one leg at a time just like you do” whenever topics like this came up when I was younger. To me that meant we were all the same. As long as you handled it respectfully, they weren’t any better than me just because they held a higher position.

So, if I took my queues from my father, does that mean my girls take them from me? Maybe. And if so, is it always appropriate. Here’s a couple things I’ve tried to instill in them.

I believe there is a line that should be drawn between them and people such as teachers, coaches, bosses, etc. I believe they should “be friendly” but not “friends” with those positional people. I believe there should be that boundry so that there is also a respectful relationship. If you’re ‘friends” that line can get blurred. If I look at the situation at their current ages, does that advice help or hurt them. Probably a little of both depending on the situation. However, if I project that advice out into their futures, I think I’m doing them a great service to spell it out for them now. When my little one started cheering at 7 years old, she was on a team where everyone else had cheered for a year before she got there. There were very clearly favorites among the teenage coaches and little girls. The parents could watch some girls being carried around by the coaches, always getting to hang out with them, etc. You could also watch other girls sitting in another group and the coaches not caring if they were there or not. Luckily, my girl was somewhere in the middle of those two extremes. However, she still cheers and would love to coach little ones. So for her future plans, and having seen those two extremes in her own young cheer career, my advice to her on the topic of drawing that line may help her NOT make any other little child feel bad, and I think that’s a good thing. On the flip of that, I’ve also witnessed her not talking to her own coaches enough to even let them know that she’s injured. She’d more likely just do what’s expected of her because the coach said so and not speak up. I’m sure there is a LOT of middle ground to be realized there  . I continue to work on that but, hopefully, she’ll find that sweet spot on her own.

There’s also the advice of not caring what others think about you as long as you’re happy with yourself. I’ve never been the type to care about that at all. I think I did push that off on my kids for sure. I’ve explained to them that even if they are confident in themselves, as long as they don’t go around saying it, they’ll be ok. There is unfortunately, a fine line between not caring what others think of you, and seeming conceited. As long as they keep their comments to themselves, they should be ok for the most part. That doesn’t mean they think they’re great or anything… but it does mean that they are happy enough with themselves that what others think doesn’t matter so much to them. Having said that, it also doesn’t mean they can’t get their feelings hurt by people. But it does mean that they tend to let a lot roll off. It’s been a struggle sometimes I’m sure, but for their future happiness, I think this is a very good trait. Much better than always having to worry about what others think so much that you conform to things you normally wouldn’t, or end up just being a follower. I’m actually quite proud of my girls for this trait. It’s a hard one to pull off sometimes. And it’s also hard to correlate that with the criticism that can come from others. However, not caring what people think does not mean ignoring what is said. People should never ignore criticism, but should find out what’s behind it. Ask for help with whatever you’re being criticized about. If the person doing it is truly trying to give “constructive criticism” they’ll be willing to take the time to help you. If they aren’t willing to help you, it’s likely they aren’t trying to be constructive at all, but that there is something more at play. Either way, you’ll learn something out of the exchange that can come in handy for the future.

And finally, how about this good nugget… There will always be someone better at something than you are, and you’ll always be better at something than someone else. That doesn’t mean you don’t try harder at something, but does mean you shouldn’t compare yourself to others. (I know, easier said than done sometimes). Remember that others are comparing themselves to someone too. Maybe you. The point is to just strive to be YOUR best, not THE best and you’ll end up being happy with yourself for trying and for recognizing your own personal growth.

While pondering these thoughts these last couple months, I realized that they were probably coming from a place of uncertainty about all our upcoming changes. One of my girls goes to College for the first time. They’ll be new professors, friends, coaches, directors, etc. The advice holds with all these changes… Treat others with respect, everyone deserves that even if you don’t personally respect the person or position they hold. Be friendly to everyone, not just who you are friends with. And strive to achieve your own personal best at whatever you do without letting others tear you down. If you can successfully follow those rules, you’ll be happier with yourself overall and that’s when your true light will shine through. You’ll be the better person you want to be.

So to both my girls I say, go forth and concur whatever new changes and challenges lie ahead for you. And if this and other advice I’ve given you over these wonderful years of parenting you has been harmful, I’m sorry for that. But never sorry for sharing experiences that will help you in the long run even if they seem odd now. I realize not all of it will work for each of you and you’ll find your own way in life ultimately. But always remember that no matter what, you can ALWAYS count on me to be here for you in a way that you don’t even comprehend at the moment. As the song said when you were younger “…and when the day is done my mama’s still my biggest fan” will always hold true.

One last thing to remember, there will always be a lot of people willing to judge you, but in the end, two things are for certain. What you think about yourself matters most now, and secondly, that there is only one “person” who’s judgement will ultimately matter. One “person” that knows how everyone is treating others. Only you can determine who’s judgement matters most to you? Theirs or HIS?